I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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