The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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