is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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