whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
