Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The adults are the big ones right?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
