I'm eating all of the evidence.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
