my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
