just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
