So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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