You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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