i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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