I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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