you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
