I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
