You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I did not marry a roomba.
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