last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
