she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you win again, gameday.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
