Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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