I'm gonna have a badass scar
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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