Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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