I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
