i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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