So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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