You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
