i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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