If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
