i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
