we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
