I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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