I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
