Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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