There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
