i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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