I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
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she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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