So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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