If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
