Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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