she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
