It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You are a genius and a whore.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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