So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
