i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think your dad took our porno
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And then he peed in my hair
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