the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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