I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
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Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going