Just took my morning after pill in the library
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
