HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
