It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
