My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
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You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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