You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
