At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
