well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My feet surprised me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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