I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
we should paint friendship bongs
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