I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
