mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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