I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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