are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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