Taylor Swift is so right about you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
